newlywed cheating

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

Yesterday, 08:32 PM	? #1 (permalink)
Registered User ? Join Date: Feb 2012 Posts: 1	My husband and I have been married for 9 months and together for four years. Our relationship was the first significant relationship I had ever been in. I never felt strong sparks or passion with him, but we were very similar, extremely compatible and had similar views on life and relationships. We love and respect each other, so I figured that the next logical step was marriage. Shortly after our wedding, I met a man at work ('Jim') who soon became what I would describe as a 'flirty work friend.' Jim is also recently married. We frequently exchanged texts and instant messages about seemingly innocent topics, but there always seemed to be an underlying flirtatiousness in our conversations. My husband was aware that Jim and I were friends and talked regularly, but Jim's wife was unaware of our relationship (he knew she would not be okay with him talking to any other woman). I have had other male friends at work who I also texted and messaged with, but I started developing feelings for Jim pretty early on in our friendship. This casual 'work flirt' relationship went on for several months until we found ourselves out of town on business with a number of other colleagues. The project we were working on took up minimal time, and Jim and I ended up hanging out extensively, to the point that our colleagues seemed to start wondering what was going on with us. Jim and I joked about how we were starting rumors and rolled our eyes at the others, telling ourselves we were just 'good friends' and that they should get over it. One night, after several drinks at dinner and extensive flirting, Jim and I found ourselves alone at a restaurant, and he confessed that he had feelings for me. I told him I liked him as well. We ended up making out, but I stopped things before they got any more serious. Neither of us had ever cheated in a relationship before and we agreed that this was much more than just a random, drunk occurrance. He said that he wished he'd met me before he met his wife, and I agreed with him completely. We decided that there was no way we could go on cheating on our spouses and that we just needed to remain friends. He begged me not to stop talking to him. My problem is this: I truly think i am falling in love with Jim. I have never felt this strongly about anyone in my life; I want to be around him or talking to him constantly. He was so upset with himself after the trip for potentially hurting me, and for disrespecting his wife, but was desperate not to lose our friendship or make me so mad that I would no longer talk to him. We still talk every day (about random things, not about our relationship). I feel terrible all the time because I don't think I can have a good relationship with my husband while Jim is still around, but we work together so it's not like I can completely shut him out of my life. This entire situation has made me seriously question my marriage. I love my husband but now im wondering whether I was ever 'in love' with him. I never felt as strongly about him as I feel now about Jim. There is nothing otherwise hugely 'wrong' with my relationship with my husband. All of our friends think we make a great couple and that we are very happy. I truly don't know what to do and am completely miserable in the meantime. Is this all a sign that I am with the wrong man (whether or not Jim is the right man or will ever be available)? Am I going through a quarter life crisis? I feel like i'm going crazy.
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Yesterday, 08:45 PM	? #3 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Jan 2012 Location: Phoenix, AZ Posts: 292	Quote: My husband and I have been married for 9 months and together for four years. Our relationship was the first significant relationship I had ever been in. I never felt strong sparks or passion with him, but we were very similar, extremely compatible and had similar views on life and relationships. We love and respect each other, so I figured that the next logical step was marriage. Shortly after our wedding, I met a man at work ('Jim') who soon became what I would describe as a 'flirty work friend.' Jim is also recently married. We frequently exchanged texts and instant messages about seemingly innocent topics, but there always seemed to be an underlying flirtatiousness in our conversations. My husband was aware that Jim and I were friends and talked regularly, but Jim's wife was unaware of our relationship (he knew she would not be okay with him talking to any other woman). I have had other male friends at work who I also texted and messaged with, but I started developing feelings for Jim pretty early on in our friendship. This casual 'work flirt' relationship went on for several months until we found ourselves out of town on business with a number of other colleagues. The project we were working on took up minimal time, and Jim and I ended up hanging out extensively, to the point that our colleagues seemed to start wondering what was going on with us. Jim and I joked about how we were starting rumors and rolled our eyes at the others, telling ourselves we were just 'good friends' and that they should get over it. One night, after several drinks at dinner and extensive flirting, Jim and I found ourselves alone at a restaurant, and he confessed that he had feelings for me. I told him I liked him as well. We ended up making out, but I stopped things before they got any more serious. Neither of us had ever cheated in a relationship before and we agreed that this was much more than just a random, drunk occurrance. He said that he wished he'd met me before he met his wife, and I agreed with him completely. We decided that there was no way we could go on cheating on our spouses and that we just needed to remain friends. He begged me not to stop talking to him. My problem is this: I truly think i am falling in love with Jim. I have never felt this strongly about anyone in my life; I want to be around him or talking to him constantly. He was so upset with himself after the trip for potentially hurting me, and for disrespecting his wife, but was desperate not to lose our friendship or make me so mad that I would no longer talk to him. We still talk every day (about random things, not about our relationship). I feel terrible all the time because I don't think I can have a good relationship with my husband while Jim is still around, but we work together so it's not like I can completely shut him out of my life. This entire situation has made me seriously question my marriage. I love my husband but now im wondering whether I was ever 'in love' with him. I never felt as strongly about him as I feel now about Jim. There is nothing otherwise hugely 'wrong' with my relationship with my husband. All of our friends think we make a great couple and that we are very happy. I truly don't know what to do and am completely miserable in the meantime. Is this all a sign that I am with the wrong man (whether or not Jim is the right man or will ever be available)? Am I going through a quarter life crisis? I feel like i'm going crazy. You are immature and not capable at this point of being a good wife to any man. Tell your husband what you are doing and how you "feel" about the OM. Then go to the courthouse and have your marriage anulled before the one year deadline. It will hurt him, but at least you will spare him from being cuckolded when you and dream boy do eventually h ave sex. Posted via Mobile Device
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Yesterday, 09:08 PM	? #6 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: College Town, NH Posts: 951	Look at what you wrote: You married a man who is compatible with you and you were with him for 5 years and happy as could be. So happy you attracted the attention of a guy at work. Who is a cheater. And you fell in love with a cheater. Because he seems to be more fun and available while you're working, than your husband. This is really messed up. You are thinking about giving up the good thing for a known bad thing - someone who will cheat on his wife. Yes, he already cheated. IMO, this guy is just messing with you. Most people do have doubts of one sort or another, and if you told him you did and that your H was your one true love, my guess is that this work guy 'Jim' is a manipulator and has been working you over for sport. He'll get you to leave your husband and then he'll go home and laugh his a** off. He's probably got his wife hopping, accusing her of cheating. Before anyone accuses me of working out my issues and anger, let me just say I know what I'm talking about. I've saved a couple women my husband (stbxh) worked with from being taken in by a player like this. My H even used to say how easy it was to pick up women when you're married, because you tell them you're happily married and they feel safe flirting with you...then, you 'develop' a marital issue, or a problem, and you can get them in closer...then they develop feelings and test by upping the flirting, then comes the compromise, the action, and the blackmail and guilt and confusion. Finally, the kill, ruining someone's marriage - the ULTIMATE control. Not all abusers marry their victims, usually they already have one at home who is a sure thing, and they need some extra abuse action on the side. Playing one woman off against another is better than just badgering the one at home...kind of gets boring I suppose, not a real challenge for the truly creatively manipulative. Feel blessed if you stop now and confide in your H and ask him to help you out of this mess. Then do whatever it takes, even quitting your job and getting therapy and some basic understanding of protecting your home and marriage, while you still can. This 'Jim' guy is very good at his sport as he found a way to get you to still interact with him. You might as well quit your job. The reality is you're a woman, you flirted with him, so you are going to take the fall. Your reputation if you take a stand on the flirting and draw boundaries will now be one of a 'black widow'. This works for this guy, because guess what, you're the evidence, and when you're gone, the next victim can't ask you for details at work...and if you stick around, be sure this guy will concoct some kind of story about how you got some kind of obsession on him and stalked him at work and put the moves on him when he was drunk and then got him in trouble with his wife. He'll use this story to attract the next girl, and use you as why his wife is mad at him! Yup, hope that smooch was worth it. Last edited by Homemaker_Numero_Uno; Yesterday at 09:15 PM.
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Yesterday, 09:28 PM	? #7 (permalink)
Forum Supporter ? Join Date: Apr 2011 Location: So Cal Posts: 2,911	Can you see yourself trusting a man who is a newlywed, just like you, cheating on his wife? Could 'Jim' trust a woman who is a newlywed, just like him, cheating on her husband? This is what many people involved in an affair, and who make the choice to leave their respective spouses to be with one another, have to deal with. They realize that what they did to their betrayed spouses, can be done to them. Once you make the choice to justify the unjustifiable, it can be used on you. It's what is often referred to as Karma or 'what goes around, comes around'. They can never feel totally safe in trusting that he/she won't cheat on him/her. __________________ "Better an honest enemy than a false friend." Links
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Yesterday, 10:37 PM	? #12 (permalink)
Forum Supporter ? Join Date: Apr 2011 Location: So Cal Posts: 2,911	Quote: Look at what you wrote: You married a man who is compatible with you and you were with him for 5 years and happy as could be. So happy you attracted the attention of a guy at work. Who is a cheater. And you fell in love with a cheater. Because he seems to be more fun and available while you're working, than your husband. This is really messed up. You are thinking about giving up the good thing for a known bad thing - someone who will cheat on his wife. Yes, he already cheated. IMO, this guy is just messing with you. Most people do have doubts of one sort or another, and if you told him you did and that your H was your one true love, my guess is that this work guy 'Jim' is a manipulator and has been working you over for sport. He'll get you to leave your husband and then he'll go home and laugh his a** off. He's probably got his wife hopping, accusing her of cheating. Before anyone accuses me of working out my issues and anger, let me just say I know what I'm talking about. I've saved a couple women my husband (stbxh) worked with from being taken in by a player like this. My H even used to say how easy it was to pick up women when you're married, because you tell them you're happily married and they feel safe flirting with you...then, you 'develop' a marital issue, or a problem, and you can get them in closer...then they develop feelings and test by upping the flirting, then comes the compromise, the action, and the blackmail and guilt and confusion. Finally, the kill, ruining someone's marriage - the ULTIMATE control. Not all abusers marry their victims, usually they already have one at home who is a sure thing, and they need some extra abuse action on the side. Playing one woman off against another is better than just badgering the one at home...kind of gets boring I suppose, not a real challenge for the truly creatively manipulative. Feel blessed if you stop now and confide in your H and ask him to help you out of this mess. Then do whatever it takes, even quitting your job and getting therapy and some basic understanding of protecting your home and marriage, while you still can. This 'Jim' guy is very good at his sport as he found a way to get you to still interact with him. You might as well quit your job. The reality is you're a woman, you flirted with him, so you are going to take the fall. Your reputation if you take a stand on the flirting and draw boundaries will now be one of a 'black widow'. This works for this guy, because guess what, you're the evidence, and when you're gone, the next victim can't ask you for details at work...and if you stick around, be sure this guy will concoct some kind of story about how you got some kind of obsession on him and stalked him at work and put the moves on him when he was drunk and then got him in trouble with his wife. He'll use this story to attract the next girl, and use you as why his wife is mad at him! Yup, hope that smooch was worth it. I agree that the OM, like the vast majority, is scum but she is no innocent angel either. She is a woman who is old enough to know the difference between right and wrong and to try to justify being with the OM just because she never felt with her husband what she's felt with the OM, is another example of an immature woman who has no business being in any committed relationship like marriage. Her husband would be better off divorcing her and finding himself a real woman to share his life with, just like the OMW would be better off divorcing her loser husband and finding a real man to share her life with. __________________ "Better an honest enemy than a false friend." Links
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Yesterday, 11:06 PM	? #14 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Mar 2011 Location: Southern california Posts: 765	Hey Penny---where did you disappear to OK, all of a sudden, you ain't got the right vibes with your H. Tell me, what kind of feelings did you have for your H., for the first 3 yrs of your relationship----why all of a sudden, are the feelings not there There not there, cuz you are squelching them, with this delusion, that you have a new soulmate---If you weren't having this little sexcapade, you would still have feelings for your H.------you yourself, are rewriting this whole script---to justify/fit what you are doing All of a sudden 5 yrs., doesn't exist anymore, it was all never any good---that's a crock of BS, and you know it----it is simply a justification/excuse for you to cheat You think the grass is oh so green, you know what, when the dust settles, you will find the grass to be an UGLY shade of brown----brown for the cheater you are messing around with, and brown for the cheater you are becoming Tell your H., what you are up to, and let him have the right to make an informed decision about the rest of his life, and who/how he wants to spend it As for you and your dirty little games----read the stats, on cheater hook-ups----97% failure rate----enjoy your life!!!!!
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Yesterday, 11:10 PM	? #15 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: College Town, NH Posts: 951	Quote: I agree that the OM, like the vast majority, is scum but she is no innocent angel either. She is a woman who is old enough to know the difference between right and wrong and to try to justify being with the OM just because she never felt with her husband what she's felt with the OM, is another example of an immature woman who has no business being in any committed relationship like marriage. Her husband would be better off divorcing her and finding himself a real woman to share his life with, just like the OMW would be better off divorcing her loser husband and finding a real man to share her life with. My point was that she is acting "stupid". Call it naive or misguided or uninformed or whatever. She has a married man who is safe that she's married to, therefore she concludes other married men are safe too. Bad logic. Poorly thought out. Some people call it stupid. In any case it leads to stupid decisions, stupid being decisions that cause trouble that leads one to become really, really confused and turn to strangers for help because one knows one is scre*ed and caught between the rock and hard place, big time. One is no longer Ms. Sweet and Innocent but Mrs. Naughty who went too far. Mrs. Sweet and Innocent got too caught up in attention. Maybe she listened to 'Jim's saying that now that he was married, his wife was a bit less attractive etc. and she thought, well, I guess my husband thinks that way too, mistaking putting nose to the grindstone after a marriage & honeymoon...the 9 month point...the way most people will if they are building a life with someone that needs funding for house and possible children. How much more of a sucker could a person possibly set themselves up to be? And a further point I might make is that one usually acts the way one is. I was pointing out to her that her logic in justifying her actions was vastly erratic, and that therefore another logic must apply. The only logical conclusion if her logic in loving 'Jim' is wrong, is that her logic in what happened is wrong. Everyone else points out that she's in a fog, not in love. I am explaining why the fog occurred. SHE did not watch her boundaries at a critical point in her life when SHE ought to have been watching them. THEREFORE, due to HER actions, SHE was taken advantage of. This happened because SHE allowed it. Out of being naive about how marriage offers some kind of protective halo. She figured now she is married off, she can safely flirt, and applied that to another person. It's a mistake. Based on lack of knowledge. Now she can be informed. Yes, she is to blame. But don't forget that she also said that her H is her first significant relationship. She made a great decision by marrying this guy, presumably, since we don't know him...but hey no problems, normal life it seems and that's not too shabby, really, commendable, highly. BUT because she made a great decision she has NO EXPERIENCE WHATSOEVER with manipulative bas*ards like 'Jim'. So we can throw stones at her or we can tell her what's what and point out her possible Achille's heels so that she can correct them. What the heck can she do with stones? Build a wall? That's not gonna keep out the likes of men like 'Jim' in her future. The TRUTH about why what happened, happened, is more helpful. In this case, it is conjectured emotional truth, but my guess is not far from it. Now if *I* go getting married and let some creep butt like 'Jim' interfere not only with my marriage and personal life but also my work life, go ahead and throw stones at me. I'm halfway to being 6 feet under chronologically and romantically in terms of experiential learning I've had several lifetimes. So I'd deserve it if I jeopardized a good marriage by compromising myself. Heck, I'm so disciplined in terms of fidelity mentally and emotionally I couldn't even jeopardize an abusive marriage, even if I tried to force myself. Which is probably why I stayed in one so long. Maybe OP and I could trade some flirt skills.
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