WHEN David Jay was a teenager, he began to feel different in a rather unusual way from his classmates. Far from being a walking mass of hormones as most teenage boys tend to be, he didn't feel remotely sexually attracted to anyone.
"I WAS 15 when I started using the word 'asexual' to describe myself," he recalls. "I couldn't relate to others my own age, even though I was constantly getting the message from society that told me to be sexual. It was really scary. I think I felt very conflicted because everyone else expected me [to become a sexual person]. We still have a strong desire to connect with others and I wondered what was wrong with me, especially after we have been taught that sex is such an essential part of being human. It took me a while to believe that I wasn't somehow broken."
There are no two ways about it; we are living in an increasingly sexualised world. The media is positively teeming with stories of oversexed celebrities who cheat, hot new affairs between A-listers and sexy beachside pictures of men and women alike. It's not unusual to come to the conclusion that when it comes to sex, everyone is at it.
orientation
Everyone, that is, except for around 1pc of the world's population who have identified themselves as a relatively new orientation; as asexuals. In its broadest sense, asexuality is defined by a lack of interest in sex, or lack a sexual attraction to others. According to research, it has nothing to do with a childhood trauma, emotional abuse or even a hormonal imbalance.
In 2001, Jay noticed that there was a dearth of information on asexuality online, and decided to create the Asexual Visibility & Education Network (AVEN). Around that time, thousands of others were Googling the term to little avail.
"I found other asexual people by founding a community," explains David in a phone call from San Francisco. "I started the website in 2001, and as it happened thousands were looking for information."
Now, AVEN has 60,000 members who come together regularly to talk about their experiences. According to many testimonials online, once AVEN members discovered the site, they found somewhere they belonged.
"People experience this incredible sense of relief and validation," says Jay. "Before, they felt broken as society had given them this message; if you're not sexual enough, there's something wrong with you."
While Jay initially struggled with the discovery of his asexual orientation, Dubliner Mark (no surname at his request) felt no such conflict. In fact, 'coming out' as asexual felt entirely natural and normal for the 20-something.
"I realised when I was 15 or so that I wasn't sexually attracted to anyone, and that's continued to this day," he explains. "It was more automatic for me, like something had 'clicked' into place. There was no internal conflict, or an awkwardness. I understood that I was asexual and I was right."
Yet as a sexual orientation, asexuality is a largely misunderstood one. People often equate it to celibacy, or a prolonged 'dry spell'.
"An asexual person does not experience any sexual attraction, whereas people who are celibate experience sexual attraction but are choosing not to have sex," explains Jay.
Wider society has its own prejudices about asexuality, too:
"I've experienced a varied reaction," recalls Mark. "Most of the time people were casual about it. Some take a moral umbrage. Some don't believe that asexuality exists or is a genuine thing. The main stereotype is that you're not old enough to discern whether or not you're asexual. Another one is that you're secretly sexual but repressing things."
Even in the media, asexuality is invisible. In fact, amid the flotsam of sexy celebrity stories, one pair stand out a mile for their refusal to sexualise themselves and their apparent indifference to sex.
As Jedward, John and Edward Grimes could have taken full advantage of their teen pin-up power; instead, they have noted publicly that sex isn't even on their minds.
"We haven't really had a girlfriend, like a proper girlfriend," John has said. "We don't see girls in that 'Oh-she's-hot' way. There's a lot more to girls than just having sex. It's different caring for someone in a mature way. We think sex is a bit amateurish. Lots of girls throw themselves at me and Edward. It's just not us, not our main focus."
And yet, confusion still reigns around asexuality. Jay is quick to point out that asexuality doesn't necessarily equate to a lack of interest in human desire, or romance.
In fact, Jay is in a romantic relationship with another asexual, and has openly spoken about his desire to start a family down the line.
"None of us have ever been interested in sexuality, but we want to connect with people and be happy," he explains.
"Sex is just one beautiful way to connect. Some asexual people still experience a strong desire for touch. Cuddling could be part of that. When it comes to relationships, sexuality is just one tiny sliver of the pie."
Even within the asexual community, there are different factions: while there are romantic asexuals like David Jay, others like Mark are aromantic, and feel a lack of romantic attraction to anyone.
"There are many types of asexual person but the way I interpret it is that I don't have a desire to share my life with someone," explains Mark.
"I prefer to live alone and I don't desire contact, hugging or kissing. That was perhaps the first thing that I noticed when I was seven or eight ... that I didn't want to get married.
photogenic
" That said, I don't want to give the impression that I'm lonely, because I'm not. I have a social life and plenty of friends."
Of course, many people love the thrill of the chase; not least when the object of one's affections is so sexually unavailable.
David Jay, the highly photogenic poster boy for the asexuality movement, has encountered his fair share of women trying to 'conquer' him.
"I love it when that happens," he laughs. "If someone is flirting with me, I can certainly get into a great conversation with them if they are an interesting person. Most of the time we have an interesting, non-sexual connection that turns out to be much more interesting. I kinda outmanoeuvre them. I guess it's all part of the script of how people connect. It's like I'm learning this foreign language."
For now, Jay is on an ongoing crusade to heighten worldwide awareness of asexuality. Using terms like 'pride' and 'acceptance', Jay concedes that the asexual community has something in common with the gay community.
"I think there's a correlation, yes," he muses. "Asexuality is an orientation, and we 'come out', and we are getting to the point where are being 'accepted' more broadly. We raise issues for the world to think about."
Meanwhile, both Jay and Mark have to come up against the more established world view that sex is as integral a part of the human experience as food or sleep.
"To be honest, I keep out of other people's business and orientations," shrugs Mark.
"I find it strange when people say things about sex being an integral part of being human, but I keep quiet. I'm not one to judge anyone else for their preferences ... all I'd hope for in return is that people don't do the same to me."
AVEN can be found at www.asexuality.org
- Tanya Sweeney
Source: http://www.herald.ie/lifestyle/asex-appeal-3188240.html
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